If you don’t like the person you are, chances are high that any relationship you are in or get into will fail. In order for a relationship to flourish and to grow, a person needs not not only like themselves but also to love who they are. Loving yourself is paramount to having a successful and loving relationship.
The divorce rate today is higher than at any other time in history. People marry for the wrong reasons, they marry the wrong person, and more so, they marry too soon. Not only do they not know they person they marry, they often don’t know themselves or even like who they are as a person.
Many divorces occur because incompatibility. But how can a couple become so incompatible when they loved each enough to marry? How could a marriage that started out with such love, and perhaps still have the love, go so wrong? How can two people who perhaps still are so much for each other end up not liking each other or themselves?
Often the problem lies in an area that’s least expected, with ourselves. We simply don’t like who we are and we strive to become who the spouse wants us to be, rather than just to be ourselves. This can be manifested in several ways. Women get breast enhancements, even though they are beautiful as they are. Men take pills to to enlarge parts that are absolutely fine as is. Another man gives up his particular favorite pastime and does only what the spouse likes to do. One woman goes and buys herself an entire new wardrobe of clothing trying to look sexier for her husband. Still another spouse gives up their entire existence and becomes a virtual clone of their spouse, trying to be exactly like them in an effort to feel more wanted and loved. Another woman wants to control everything her husband does, telling him how to act, think, dress, work, who his friends are, etc. All of these relationships are doomed because the people in them simply do not love themselves.
Before embarking on a relationship, we need to learn to love ourself first. Self love doesn’t mean that we love ourself over another. It means we love and accept ourself as we are. It means we don’t change who we are, our very identity, in order to please another. It means we work to grow and if something in us needs changing, we work to change that something, not for another person but to better ourselves.
To be truly happy in a relationship with another person, we have to be happy with who we are as a person. We can’t not like ourself and expect to be happy. We can’t be at odds with ourself and who we are and be happy. We can’t pretend to be something or someone we are not and be truly happy or love ourself. We can’t be happy and at peace if we are living in the past and not accepting ourselves as we are. But when one has had a troubled past, how can they learn to love who they are and find that happiness?
The answer is learning to let go. Letting go of what we cannot change or undo is a first step in releasing the past to be just that, the past. No matter what happened, what you did, what someone else did, it’s all gone. Instead of punishing yourself for what can never be changed or relived, allow yourself to forgive and move on with life. Punishing yourself by denying yourself happiness and love won’t change anything that’s already happened.
We have all done things and had things done to us that hurt. Sometimes we won’t allow ourselves to be happy or to love ourselves because we think that in loving ourselves or being happy, it diminishes what we did or what was done to us. We think that we deserve to be unhappy or feel unloved and unwanted. We have the mindset that whatever happened in the past is reason for us to keep our present and future miserable, thinking that’s payment for a past we can’t change. Nothing can be further from the truth!
Not allowing yourself to be happy or love yourself as you are is not hurting someone from the past, but it is hurting you and probably someone that cares deeply for you. Punishing yourself for something that’s gone isn’t the answer. Letting go, forgiving, moving on, learning to really like yourself, and being happy with the one that truly cares for you just as you are, that’s where it’s at. Remember that a person who truly cares for you won’t ever hold the past against you, and you shouldn’t hold it against yourself either.
Now is the time to start loving yourself. Focus on what YOU like about yourself, not what anyone else thinks. Remember that in learning to love yourself, you aren’t out to please the rest of the world, just yourself. If you find something that you don’t like about yourself, work on changing that. But only do it for you! Allow yourself to be yourself! Don’t try to be someone you’re not or something you’re not. Be happy with how you look, how you think, how you feel, how you love, how you believe, etc. Realize that you are a beautiful person and allow yourself to see that beauty in yourself.
When you feel you are ready for a relationship again, don’t go for someone who wants to change you. Don’t go for someone who makes you feel that you aren’t good enough as you are. Don’t get involved with a person that won’t allow you to be yourself. Don’t go for someone whose idea of love is for you to lose your identity in order to make them happy. Go for the person that accepts you for you, all of you, as you are. Go for the one that makes you feel like you can be yourself, that isn’t out to change you, that loves you exactly as you are, that listens to you, that understands you, that wants you for you, not some fantasy they want to fulfill.
In learning to love yourself, you have to see and believe that you are loved as you are, that you are wanted as you are, that you are beautiful as you are, and most of all that someone is wanting someone just like you. When you realize that you are indeed lovable as you are and you love yourself, that feeling will carry over into your relationship. The confidence you have in yourself will enable you to love the other person as they are and to accept them as they are, making for a relationship that will go the distance and withstand the storms that come in life.
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